YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN TROUBLE WHEN….

i) You are overjoyed when your partner admits to having cheated on you, as this is a clear way out.
ii) You are extremely pissed off when he says it was all a ploy to get you to confess if you have ever cheated on him, and in truth he would never dream of cheating on you.
iii) The only thing keeping you in the relationship is the birthday party he promised to throw you when the time comes. Only problem it is at the end of the year.
iv) You always make sure his sleepovers coincide with funerals and other ceremonies that keep you away for days.
v) You keep beeping his ex on his phone so she can call back and hopefully re-kindle that flame.\
vi) You steal people’s phones to send yourself flirty texts, then you act all guilty like you are the victim of invasion of privacy. I mean, why did he look through your phone yet you had just left it on his bed and gone out for an hour?
vii) You keep calling after every five minutes to complain how your boss is demanding you put in extra time as a front desk manager, yet you are on a booda home.
vii) You call at 10pm to announce how you you are just leaving work. Sitting at the front desk receiving after hour guests was indeed so hard and you really wish you could see him, but shit happens.
viii) You throw a suprise birthday party for him, and keep it a such suprise that even he doesnt get to know about it.
ix) You keep a record of all the things you have given him, in the hope that before you call it quits, he has paid up. That ka 200 i used to buy him gum when he said he had no change, the 300 i topped up for his rolex the other day, the 1000 i used on the booda to go see him…………
x) You actually manage to write out this list in less than thirty seconds and only stop beacuse Abid wont give you three full pages but limits you to like half.
NOW, THAT IS SOME REAL DEEP SHIT!!!!!!!

Advertisements

MATHEW 5:25

He was a good man.
A God fearing man.
He was a saved man, ready to do what the Holy book said.
Compromise was out of the question, and that definately meant no breaking the law. So you can imagine the torture and pain he must have gone through when he was stopped by a policeman in Mukono for over speeding. He was trying to hurry back to Kampala so he could be in time for his five year old’s birthday party. But he knew that was no exscuse for breaking the law. He thus resigned himself to his fate as the Police Officer walked up to his car.
‘Goo afternoon sir, i believe you realise you ave been goin in too too fast for our Ugandan roads here. You almoss causin assiden’!’
‘Im sorry sir! I was in a hurry to get somewhere, but i know that is no escuse. I will not do it again!’
‘Ofcos you wil nont do it agin. It is zis pipol like you hu are jus causin assidens assidens everytime. It is zis pipol like you who olmos kill Ogenga Latigo on de roads.’
‘Im sorry sir.’
‘Ok now you are sorre. Now me if i let you go, aww wil i kno zat you are sorre? Ok Mupa miimi!’
At this point, the man couldn’t understand kiswahili, but he knew it sounded like the Police officer was asking for a bribe. he decided to ignore the last sentence and instead he apologised again.
‘Miimi nataka kitu kidogo!!!!’ the officer repeated!
The man decided that he was not going to go against the Lord’s commands and give a bribe. That was corruption! That was theft! That was sinful! He could go to hell! He could burn for eternity! He thus refused!
the angered Police Officer decided this was not going to be the end of him, so he entered the man’s car and ordered him to drive to the police station.
On reaching the police station, the man was locked uo in a cell. All the other Police Officers around advised him to just give the other officer something small, and he would be set free. The saved man looked at his wrist, read the letters WWJD engraved on his wrist band, and thought, What would Jesus Do! he decided to make himself comfortable. Ofcos, for simple overspeeding, he would be out of there in no time.
Minutes turned to hours.
Afternoon turned to evening.
The man refused to succumb to temptation! This is a test from God!
When it clocked 19.00, the Officer who had arrested him ordered for blankets to be brought.
‘This man will sleep here and tomorrow morning we will transfer him to the main prison!’

He looked up to the ceiling and begun reciting his prayers. Just then another Officer came and asked why he had refused to pay and be set free. The man explained that it is not good for a man of God to do things of the world. The officer then decided to quote a scripture for the man:
Mathew 5:25
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison”
With that, the man paid his way out of jail!

THIS IS AN SOS!

The company is screaming MAYDAY MAYDAY!
How do i know?? Budget cuts. That’s what they call it. Credit crunch. That’s what they blame it on. I thought this only affected AIG, and even those employees are still enjoying full benefits.
It all begun when they fired the cleaner, and made the gateman take up his duties with absolutely no salary increase. (Ok he was fired for other things as i may have told you before, but i think it had been coming anyway!)
We carried on like there was no problem. Smiling in corridors, sharing jokes, begging the bosses for lifts down the hill; generally life was still good.
Next came the absence of small things. No samosas for breakfast, just chapatis, eggs, chicken pies and white coffee. Then no chapatis for breakfast, just eggs, chicken pies and white coffee. Then no eggs for breakfast, just chicken pies and white coffee. Then no chicken pies for breakfast, just white coffee. Then it was black coffee. Then it was black tea. Now we are advised to have breakfast before we come in as there is alot of work and no breakfast time to waste. This time, although we felt the pinch, we acted like all was good. We still gave the occassional smiles in the corridors, but the jokes ceased! Must have been because they were usually told over breakfast. The lifts, those could not be avoided because everyone who has been up here knows the place is far.
After that came the water saga. Yes! We are one of those offices that have water dispensers at all corners. Water for the front desk, water for the interns, water for the guests, water for each boss in his capacity, and so on. Right now, there is just water for the kitchen staff, which we now all use. The exscuse they gave is no one really has time to go down to the supermarket to buy re-fills.
We got used to these things, and work went on, but the tension was eminent.
Then, vendors started harrasing me for their pay. Some had not been paid in like eight months. This was crazy, but this did not perturb me at all. It would not affect my salary, so what the heck! No stress. I did what i do best, lied to them, and they believed.
Many more vendors came and went with no option but to be patient.
What happened next was kind of anticipated. Meals were stopped. Considering we had been eating on credit for four months, one would have been a fool to be suprised. What suprised us instead was the fact that we were not given lunch allowance after that. We were encouraged never to miss lunch, and keep our receipts. Had to buy a new handbag. These things accumulate so freakin fast.
All the while, salaries had always been paid on time. By the 28th of every month, our accounts were credited. So when we were told that salaries would be paid on the 5th of every month, a bulb was lit in my head. But not bright enough to worry me.
Today as i write this, i must say the bulb has burst because it is the 20th and i am still waiting on that 5th salary. Honestly, i never knew budget cuts could impinge on the salaries.
Well, thats me. I’v been told i have delayed understanding (DU), and i think now i agree. My boyfriend said he noticed our SOS cry when they stopped the meals, and i was stupid not to notice as that was the time his lunch visits also ended.
To sum it all up, when there’s something strange, in the com-pa-ny, who you gonna call…………??? Are there Company busters???? Somebody?? Anybody??

HOW TO HAVE A MINI-VACATION

Today, i think it is wise that i educate the working class on how to have a vacation. You know after a fort-night of work; Monday to Friday, Monday to Friday, through Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday twice, any normal properly functioning human being needs a break.

Some people go to Javas, sit in the booths and keep inviting friends till they have to bounce the couple in the next booth just incase one of their brothers decides to surprise them and pass by. (And one wonders where the surprise element fits in if he called jut before the announcement).

Others throw parties at garden city, invite only their friends and leave others out, and they too think that is a break from routine. Well, am sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that’s so wrong. That doesn’t relieve stress! It instead just locks it away for a few seconds, and when it returns, it is worse than before. On that note, i think you should come see me about some Forever Living Products that are good for your health and will help ward off the stress. (Don’t think am advertising! Just looking out for friends!)

Anyway, i think ill share some great tips on how to have a real vacation. It however must be noted that these only apply to people whose parents still believe in pocket money to supplement their salaries, those with no responsibilities, poor saving and investment habits, those with sugar daddies, and i guess the few that actually earn a lot from what they do. (I hope not selling drugs in the stomachs of the girls they are trafficking. I hear it’s very profitable.) Anyway below are the tips:

1. Have cool friends who lie in any of the above categories. If your friends fall short, have a cool sibling with such friends.

2. Encourage the above people to believe that life is short and there are certain things they just cannot die without doing.

3. Forge stories about someone you know who has done it before and emphasize how they really were in the mix. If the worst gets to the worst and some of the friends are the nosey kind who demand evidence, have some forged pictures lying around.

4. Tell everyone you know about it! Write about it so the deaf can also know. For the deaf and blind….. Am still looking for a solution.

SO i guess by now you have noticed what i was building up to.

It started as a joke. Someone watched certain awards on TV and decided it would really be cool to be part of the audience. Months later, it was confirmed. Despite the fact that the night before, the bus broke down at a spot someone claimed was well known for highjackers and we had to wait five hours (7 to midnight) to be rescued, 10th October was still the best day ever. Gates were to be opened at 5pm. That’s what the tickets said. We were there by 3pm. Why give them reason to lock us out? Our excellently outstanding performance of standing near the entrance of the huge indoor stadium earned us interviews from some whites (so am guessing MTV for real, not just some random Kenyan journalists!), and our greetings were sent, especially to the many that could not afford. At exactly 5pm, gates were opened. By 5.30pm, we had claimed our spots right next to the rails that were a short distance from the stage. I must say that what we were experiencing cannot be described in words. All i can say is it was really not for the faint hearted. At this point, one of us was reduced to cries of, and i quote:

‘Banange who am i?? Nze ani?? What did i do to deserve this banange!!! GOD!!!’, and it was just the beginning.

Despite the fact that there were no celebrities in sight, the music played by Dj Benny D was enough to drive us crazy! (And people think just anyone can play music!) The man in a skirt surely has a post diploma degree PhD in being a Dj!

At 7pm, everything we looked at was driving us crazy. Just before the show officially begun, one of the organizers realized that it would be safer to put us at the stage itself, just incase we lost our lives trying to get over the rails and touch the worthy ones. We were in things! In the mix! As people in Uganda say, Twabadde mu kiintu! Infact we were really in the kiintu, we became the kiintu itself! But this was not enough for one of us, who decided the opposite side had a better back view. She crept under the stage amidst protests from armed guards! That’s how great it was. We were invincible. Unstoppable by Ak47 holders.

He was the first act. 8 o’clock on the dot. Immediately he stepped on stage, we agreed that our money was done. When Akon joined him, it was official. We owed them money! Baali batu baanja for real. And that was just the beginning. Song after song was performed, and although i can’t remember which ones they were, i must say i can stand here and testify that Akon’s Calvin Klein boxers were really clean, and the grey briefs Wyclef wore just looked too amazing on him. I must add that since then, I am now a great admirer of pac-less abs! Those guys look perfect without six bones sticking out!

The African artists were amazing. Blu3, Amani, Waa Whoooo, Lira, STL, HHP, 2Face, Nameless, Red San, the guy of Kiini Big Deal, and many others seriously blew me away! Its amazing the energy they have. Samini was just the winner, when he performed the tribute to Lucky Dube with |Wyclef and Nameless. Zebra and Giraffe, the rock group from South Africa complete with skinny jeans and spiky hair, were the best performers. Ok every performer was amazing. I seriously cannot decide. D’ Banj really is a super star!

But i must say that despite their great performances, our eyes were still on the prize! A hug from wylef and akon, or atleast some form of body contact. God was surely looking out for us, because at some point, Wyclef passed by. Our screams and ululations brought him to a standstill. After blowing-blowing kisses, two of us run for him. Being the lady that i am, i decided i was not going to run. I passed behind, got my hug, but my plans to push the other girl away so that I appeared the most wanted in the photo were really demolished, and this can be evidenced in the snap. Anyway atleast i got a two handed hug! Akon was next. For some reason he was no longer jumping on people. One of us claims he hit his head on the metal the last time he jumped. How were we going to atleast get a handshake. After all our attempts, we were reduced to begging.

‘Just touch this hand akon, PLEASE!!!! Nkwaata ko bambi!!!’ we tried to attempt Senegalese but to no avail, so we continued our pleas with the facial expressions. Whoever said those were old lied, coz our looks brought him to us!!! We got our handshakes… not once, but twice. If that was not heaven, i dont know if my heart can take the real thing. All in all, it was a night to remember! Having to summarize it has been the hardest thing ever. Now that is how you have a day off work. That is how you relieve your stress! That is how you party! That is how you let everyone know about it, and THAT IS HOW YOU BEGIN THE PLANS TO DO IT AGAIN!

For those who are to know, those are a few of the details I recall!

Best Male: Nameless (Kenya)

Best New Act: M.I. (Nigeria)

Best Hip Hop: M.I. (Nigeria)

Best Female: Amani (Kenya)

Best Performer: Samini (Ghana)

Best R&B: 2Face (Nigeria)

Best Group: P-Square (Nigeria)

Artist of The Year: D’Banj (Nigeria)

Best Alternative: Zebra & Giraffe (South Africa)

Best Video: HHP – Mpitse (South Africa)

Best Listener’s Choice: Nameless – Sunshine (Kenya).

AGONY KELZ

I believe no one has an original problem.Everyone at some point goes through situations that someone else has conquered. They ths need guidance on how to get through it. That is why i am here! AGONY KELZ! I pride myslf on being one of the few people to actually hit rock bottom and just bounce back up. Or maybe i hit a bouncy surface. Anyway what the hell. The point is i am here to help you, because that is just the type of philanthropic person that i am. So here goes:

Huge Problem: Its your birthday. Your friend gets you a gift you have repeatedly despised. Maybe not openly, but you really dont like it. The tought may count, but if not translated into something lovely, then what is the point?
Solution: Re-wrap it and give it back to er on her birthday! If she doesnt like it, it means she is thoughtless. What was she doing getting you something even she despised??

Huger Problem: A smelly person enters the taxi you’re in, and what do you know; the only seat he feels comfortable in is the one right next to you. To make matters worse, the brother (most of the time it is a guy) insists on smelling despite the wrikling of your nose.
Huge Solution: You have to find out if you can survive the journey. You need to find out how bad the smell really is. So what do you do? Grab an insect, best results would be got if a fly is got, as these are so resistant to bad smells, but if those are scarce in the taxi ( why does that sound ironic?) a cockroach will do. They are usually near the kameeme. Grab the insect and put it at his feet, or anywhere close to him. \if it dies, you better get out as fast as possible, because there, there is no plan B. Especially for such a smeller.

Hugest Problem: You have moved out of home. Got this roomate. You are supposed to be having the time of your life, but for some reason, your roomate is really a maniac. He or she is totally crazy and insisnts on screaming her head off over tiny things, even when it is obvious you need the silence!
Huger Solution: Put a little chlorofoam in her pillow. Should knock her out for a couple of hours. If that is hard to find, try spirit! Used to work on those useless prefects in school, though may first make her a little drunk. Anyway, better a drunk roomie that a maniac!

Hugester Problem: Its really cold. You decided to spare your extra hours of sleep, got up at 4am, so you could make it to the boutique (read Owino), and join sylvia owori get the best clothes at whole-sale price. You are bending low, pulling at that wrinkled black dress that just looks like it has potential to look sexy, when suddenly an obese midget taps you and shouts….. sizey yange!!!!
Hugest Solution: You slap the hugest toughest meanest looking guy in sight, then point at the midget! You can either stand and enjoy the movie, or you can shop as you listen to the sound effects in the background.

Hugestest Problem: Its your birthday. No one remembered! You were expecting a suprise party, and you had even practised your expressions in the mirror!
Hugester Solution: Postpone it, and this time make sure you advertise it in the workzine. If nothing is done, dont give up. Adverts are free. fake a party and advertise the invites!

Hugestestest Problem: You are a financially challenged Campuser. For some reason your parents have refused to step in and give you money. You cant go home for the basic meals because Mukono is not exactly near Makerere. you atleast need to feed.
Hugestest Solution: Dont turn down any single date. Accept them all because they cater for meals. If the guy has a ride, no worries, but if he does not, please insist on suggesting the place. In a bid to impress, he may take you to a lovely restaurant on the other side of town, and he may not be the kind who gives transport. So it would be better if you stuck to places like javaz and insisnt on a stroll back to campus. Atleast you would have been saved transport costs.

Gigantic Problem: You over ate. You were trying to make your pregnant friend Jackie feel comfortable with her tummy. Now the others have organised a swimming contest. Your crush will be there. You have already seen your future together. Jacob your first son even has his height at birth. The thing is you know that with everyone else in their bikinis, there is absolutely no way you will even attempt to look sexy, ;let alone invisible. For sure you wil be the laughing stock, atleast in your own eyes.
Gigantic, Desperate and the last resort Solution: Invest in a blue chicken and yellow goat with feathers, and head to jjajja Mamwandu who sits in those caves in mabira. Now you can sit back and await the cancellation phone calls as the hailstorms begin. Dont forget to head to the gym after. Those coloured animals are really expensive, you cant keep buying them.

GIRLS……………. EXTREMELY LOUSY BUSINESS PARTNERS!

Have you ever sat down and creatively come up with a way to earn extra money on the side? Kind of like how Bill Gates, in his boring years, would just have thoughts of microsoft and computers and stuff, or like how Donald Trump would just, over a cup of cappucino(white man’s yuckily bitter but pretty looking coffee-like thigi), decide to erect abuilding with his name on it, or like how Abid, due to failure to get employment years after graduation, and over a pot of boiled cassava, jut came up with the workzine? well i have.
It all started when i realised that my salary, pocket money, handbag money, wallet money, bra money, socks money, money for upkeep, hair allowance, airtime money, just to mention but a few, were just not going to cut it. I decided to explore other areas from which i can generate income. With my hardworking self, i must say i really tried. I worked so hard but the jobs only paid in kind, and not hard cash. (Dont think what i think your thinking! In kind i mean like i got expensive dinners, attended cool parties, hardly benched for friends for rides after a night out, and the list goes on.) I had worked hard at getting to know the great spenders, but these were people who did not find joy in putting money in your hands. They instead prided themselves on being great purchasers. ( I must explain again that this was all on a business level! To further break it down, i started partying with my boss on a totally business level. Let me go ahead and mention that that was my former boss. The one i have now is way above the partying level.)
Anyway the point is i was fed up. I therefore decided to get someone, who these people that i hang with would have no problem giving money, and with that, i’d also get paid. I typed out contracts and went in search of my hot friends. Many i had thrown out, because every girl wants to hang around people who look worse than her so that she always looks the best, but this time, i had to put something before me. I couldnt live life thinking about me, me, me,me! It was money’s turn and i was going to sacrifice for him. Thats what real true honest friends are for. So i call up this friend of mine and decide to take hoer out for an evening drink and catch up. I knew by the time we were done, my ‘crew’ would be ready to pick me up, and she would definately have to come with us. So, yeah. It all went as planned. They picked us up in the convoy (i swear it was a convoy of range rovers and one out of place dodge nitro), and off we went, first for the usual, an indian dinner, then for the real thing. The night went on well, and, just as you guessed, my friend and the richest in the pack started something. I was happy. Finally hings were falling in place.
Three days later, she calls to tell me about her happiness and blah blah blah. She kept saying, i dont know if i will get money, but when i do, ill let you know. Im like, its all good. Meanwhile im here telling the rich dude…. hmm chik likes you. But my friend, you better tight mark your territory. If you dont spend on her, she will find someone who will.
Now the problem is here. He was totally taking my advise, but not telling me, and my friend was not telling me either. So kweganba i was losing out. Business wasnt going as well as i hoped it would, and i kept thinking my tounge was not convincing enough.
Then one fateful day, i met her. She was at standard chattered bank with another friend of ours, going to open an account. Im like, eh! Ok! You must have had a really long shopping list this semester. I was almost believing myself when our friend blurts out…. ‘hmmmm, ur still on your parents’ shopping dimes? This one here has a walking bank. Not even an atm. Those ones have limits. he is an open cheque!’
At that point i internally lost it. I could hear my spirit (the invisible me) screaming, and it was almost getting physical up in there. If i had waited just 10 more minutes, i wouldnt know myself. There i was bursting my arse off everyday trying to convince mr. money to spend and yet he was doing even more than that.
Since this is a pg read, allow tme to cut the long story short because i have not found a way to poitely tell waht happens in between.
Two days later she takes me out for a burger. It was saturday actually, and did i mention, the burger came at half price…….
To conclude.. thats what you get for sharing business with girls!

the boss is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The boss is back.
He said he would return on the first day of the week, and that would mean report to office on the second day of the week. It doesnt need rocket science to figure that out. What needs it, however is what people use to determine the first day of the week.
Now forgive me for believing that on the last day, God rested. The sabbath. A sunday. Could have been a saturday, but im almost sure my boss is not a seventh day adventist, nor is he a Jew. Monday thus marks the beginning of the week, making it, the FIRST day.
Now someone please try telling me why the Boss is back?
You can imagine my shock, trauma and escalation of the heart beat all at the same time, when i look at my phone and it is none other than my boss calling. I would have gladly picked up had it been his mobile number, because these days, aparently one can keep the same number when they cross roads and railways, considering he went by bus. But no. I wasnt even respected enough to be shocked on phone. The shock had to come before that. Hmmmmm. Stupid office landlines.
So now what is a girl to do? I cant ignore the call because eventually, he will get angry enough to draft my resignation letter, and force me to accept it as my idea. ( Like how the presidents of those developed countries in Jack Bauer fire their Chief of Staff). I thus ask thee once again. What is a girl to do?
I could tell the truth, which is that i am stuck in traffic jam.
Thing is, my boss left for someplace on Wednesday, saying he would be back at the beginning of the following week. You know when the boss is out, only the wierdos go to work, unless there is this really annoying wierdo who keeps updating the boss on eveyone’s late coming. So anyway, my Grandmother had been begging me to go see her, so she can proclaim to her haters how her grandchild has grown, but i have always been busy. But the absence of my boss presented an opportunity, and i decided id go visit her for one day. Just one day. I had planned for thursday, but the wierdo didnt react to her contaminated lunch as early as i’d expected, so i had to wait till friday afternoon. As soon as she left, i also headed to Arua park, and boarded that bus to granny land. I was lucky to get Otada. That is the fastest bus that has’nt yet reported any accident. Four hours later, i arrived, but it was too dark to trek the 3km to my home, considering it was out of town. I thus proceeded to some funny lodge. At 2500shs a night, i wasnt obliged to complain about the leaking roof and healthy bedbugs; the demons responsible for my sleepless night. The following day, saturday, i was lucky to get a cheap bicycle heading those ends. 500shs all the way. He attempted to say. He obviously didnt get it right, but i got the point. I sat. The boy peddled. I felt sorry. Honestly, for 500shs, i wouldnt have carried myself up those slopes. Halfway the journey, he seemed to be sharing my line of thought, because he decided he would rather have no supper than suffer under my weight. I was left stranded in the middle of dust, because that is all you could see. I walked.
Finally, three hours later, i arrived. All those things villagers do to welcome the elite from kAmpala were done. Performances, sacrifices, cutting of trees, you name it. These things really take long, and by the time they were done, it was 3 in the morning. I had planned to arrive friday, show off saturday and return sunday, but that was not going to be possible. The showing off had to be postponed, and it had to take the whole day. I thus had to postpone my departure. Monday morning, i’d be on Otada, and by 2pm, id be in Kampala. Maybe i’d even pass by the office, give my boss a call, and wish him a safe journey.
Now Monday comes. My cousin offers to ride me to town, and knowing that would take a few good hours, we decide to rise early. By 6am we were on the road. We reached the outskirts of town at 8.45am, and just as we joined the morning jam, the phonecall came. I didnt even know there was signal in my village. Damn those ambitious MTN people.
So this is where i am now. Shuld i, or shouldnt i? To do or not to do. That is the question.
I decide to do. I pick up, tell the Boss i am stuck in jam. Just so you know, the bicycle jam can be very heavy! Worse than the car jam in kampala. In kampala you can get out of the car and get a boda to go through the jam. In Lira, totally different story. The bicycles are all moving at once. If one cyclist is tired of peddling, he can ask his neighbour to peddle for him a little. Once you are in the middle, it is advisabe not to get off till you reach your destination.
I tell the Boss i will report to office as soon as possible, announce battery problems and switch off my phone. My mind is now racing. Even if i try so hard, the earliest i can be there is 2pm. Maybe i should have heart failure on my way, there by forcing the Boss to feel sorry instead of firing me. All in all, i cannot afford to lose this job. Not with the accumulating bills i have. If i lose this job, how will i afford to buy hair. It is expensive these days, not to mention nails, eyebrows, and teeth. Anyway, let me reach kampala and see ekigenda maaso! Ill take it from there.
(PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE WORKZINE (2))

it happened again! KINYIIZO NO.1 REPLAY!

So i told u guys about the first one, well it was bad, but i must say not as bad as this one!
So im in the office, commenting on some blogger’s writings, when the boss comes up to me and asks to put in an order for lunch at some expensive restaurant down the road. It being one of those things they just happened to forget to put in the job description, i do as im told. The rest of us wait for our simple lunch, and enjoy it, while the boss looks on, waiting for his. The hunger must have been unbearable, coz seconds later, he stands up and leaves for his office. In the middle of my meal, his order arrives. Wrapped in labelled foil with a decoratingly scented receipt, i receive the order and go up to the boss’ office to get the pay. He happens to be on the phone, and if i remember wel, i was told never to interrupt a phonecall unless my intention was to get sacked. Seeing that it was taking too long, i decide to pay for him, then claim my 20,000shs later on. How would he refuse??
So i do just that!
I tell him about the pay and he agrees to refund my money as soon as possible. This is before he realises he is almost late for a meeting, eats his food hurriedly like some hungry girl i remember in my school called rita who never had grub and always waited for school meals, and rushes off to the car, leaving me dumbfolded.
Ofcourse he will be back. Its just two o’clock. The meeting will surely be done by 5.
5o’clock reaches. No car, No boss.
5.15! Still nothing.
Ill give it 30 more minutes.
5.45. Silence.
At 6, i search my handbag for some coins, and decide to slope to the stage, get a taxi for 300, and walk the rest of the journey home. Its not that far anyway. Ill claim the 20,000shs tomorrow.
So i start my journey.
First of all, i must emphasize that the day before i had put on my new plada shoes (anti chinese duplicates), and they had left blisters on my feet, thus the reason for the flat shoes.
So im thinking, this strolling thing is not so bad. I could actually get used to it instead of the occassional booda home. I even start humming to that new song of miki wine’s that i sent mike at work. Life doesnt feel so bad……………..YET!
So i finally reach the bottom of the slope, and, yes, im still modelling as usual on the road feeling the diva, when i lift my leg and step on the ground. I know you wont believe me, because i couldnt believe it myself! I had actually walked out of my sole. As in i had walked and left the sole of my shoe behind. I swear i never knew this was even possible. I thought shoes only get fishes, and things like that. To think i had to find out this was possible infront of a main road with traffic jam, and no booda man in sight. I start to panic. (OMG i think i just saw my classmate. The one i had a crush on for two years.) What social suicide.
After dragging my sole on the ground with my foot like a lame goat, this booda man comes up to me.
‘Nyabo ogeenda?’
‘Ye ssebo.’ I answer, as i watch him come and park infront of me. (Do boodas park???) Anyway, knowing i have only 300shs which was supposed to be for my taxi, i decide to do the only noble thing a lady in my situation would do. Flirt-beg!
‘J’ebaale ko ssebo’
‘J’eebale’ he answers!
‘Ensuula!’ I think its some kind of greeting. I always hear ple use it!
‘Eyange nyabo?’
‘Ye! Eyiyo ssebo!’
‘Hmmm. Bulungi.’ He says with a frown, then adds ‘Nyaabo Ogenda!’

At this point i have to do it. Im almost in tears. I move closer so no one can overhear our conversation.
‘Bambi ssebo nyamba. Nsaba ontwaale wali eli kumpi ku kobula! Engatto yange eyulise!’ i managed.
‘Ompa meeka??’
‘Ssebo nkwegayiridde! Nina bisaatu byoka by’engenda okozesa kola ‘ngatto! Ngenda na taambula paka’ eka! Nsasira baambi!’
After what felt like a lifetime, he agreed to take me to the cobler. As thankful as i was, i had nothing to give him. All i could do was stand and wave as he left.
I turn to the cobler and give him the shoe.
Without even blinking, he says, in his proudly broken english, ‘Zat willo be seveni andred!’
Never in my life had i imagined id gasp at such a price. But thanx to my humble face, i was able to have him settle for 300shs. The walk home was exhaustingly painful!!!
But not as painful as tomorrow will be if the boss denies me that 20 bob!
(PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE WORKZINE)

CAMPUSERS! WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU?

Campusers. The sources of all evil! That is what many believe, and i am proud to say i am one of them. These people, especially the girls, have a way of life that is just too too baed, especially when you need them for revenge on the male species.
You can either arrange for her to bleed his pockets dry till he cries out for blood transfusion, or you could just arrange for her to wreck his family and everything he has built for the past 30years. These are usually the two options that are presented when the topic is brought up for discussion. But alas there is another one. This one had even me, the revenge seeker, in thick blankets because i was shivering. Let me break it down for you.
It was totally his fault. He deserved it. He cheated on me with other girls, even though we were not formally in a relationship. I mean, so what if i accepted to be reduced to a friend of benefits? Does that mean you still go out and find a girl for the public eye? You do not make a fool of me and get away with it. That was when i decided i’d call in the help of the evil- mastermind. Her name was Shiela, but we all referred to her as the ‘CAMPUSER’. She was rather proud of her nickname. Despite her thick kiganda accent (and you know how local that can sound), her wierd walking style (still trying to figure out if its a limp), and her potruding belly, she still managed to look on point, mainly due to the fact that she had expensive clothes. She was always ready to respond to a ‘sister’s’ cry for revenge. It was believed that she had taken an oath to make men pay for the pain they cause women. Anyway so she came over and we had a talk. I tod her about Abid, and she, as usual, presented the options. Seeing as he is naturally a broke man, i decided against emptying his pockets. What’s the point if they are already empty. Disorganising his family was also eliminated. I beg not to disclose the reason why. Anyway the third option is the one that made me shiver. It made me weak at the knees. It made me swet. All this at the same time. To sum it all up, i loved it. She was to begin effecting her plan that evening.
At around 7.30, as Abid left akamwesi for his evening lectures, we bumped into him. I introduced her and ten minutes later, she had his number. He must have been thinking his game was tight, seeing as it had been easy. I watched his smile of satisfaction and knew mine was not far.
Two weeks later, im seeing they are tight!
EH! OK! If this is still part of the plan… kiika!
A week later, im in my room minding my own business as usual, when Abid comes knocking. I let him in and he breaks down. He keeps wailind about how he is sick. He knows he is sick. He wants to kill himself… bla bla bla!
All the yap yap yadiyadah is getting to me, but i decide to play the caring friend of benefits and i encourage him to talk to me. This is his story:

‘After i met Shiela, a friend of mine told me she was a loose chick. So i talked to her about it and she told me how everyone loved spoiling her name. She was even a virgin. Why do people say things which are not true. She told me to tell her who had said those things so they can come and testify if they had slept with her to find out. With all her tears i was totally convinced. She has this vulnerability about her that cannot allow you walk away from her just like that. Two weeks later we started moving out. She started slowly pushing or sex, but i wanted to take my time for this virgin. Finally, the time came. She was temptation itself. Even if i had wanted to hold back, i wouldnt have had the will to. We had no condoms, but since she had me convinced she was a virgin, i figured she would swallow the pills later on. Her boldness should have triggered something, but waaah! I was too taken up. I only came to my senses when i put Jack Bauer inside Sophie, and there was no resistance. Immediately i pulled out. She was as wide as a basin. As soon as that was done, i knew i was sick.’
I said my sorries, exscused myself, went to the bathroom, opened the shower, flashed the toilet and laughed my eyes out, and died. After that short session, i resurrected, walked out and offered to escort him for a blood test the following day at TASO Mulago.
The following day, i picked him up and we were off. I tried my best to make him feel at ease, but i wasnt doing a good job at that! He kept emphasizing how useless it was if the virus cannot be detected till after five months. As much as i wanted to aknowledge that he is right, i had to play along with Shiela and take him for the blood test. We reached towards lunch time and were made to wait. There was a que forming right next to us, and when we asked what it was for, we were told that those were the AIDS patients lining up for their meds. No sooner had we asked than we saw Sheila emmerge from the room where the sick were entering. She came out holding many tablets. At first i thought i had seen someone else. So this is why she had insisted i drag him along for an HIV test. Abid saw her, right before his legs gaveway, and he collapsed.
If there were doubts that revenge was sweet, this time it was confirmed.
Campusers!!!!!!!!!! What more can i say!!!!!!!
NB: It was all an act on her part. I forced her to take a test and it came out Negative!

EDUCATION!

Education is very important, atleast to my parents. They value it so much that they will invest alot in their children up till university, and even past. Parents are really passionate about education, as they deem it a means to success. Children on the other hand, fail to see this.
I remember when i was young, i really hated school. I still do, but back then it was worse. My sisters and i used to fake sikness so that we would be allowed to stay home. This my parents tolerated for so long. It is how i perfected my fake asthmatic attacks.
But one day, it was really serious. My elder sister was in primary seven, and my parents wanted her in school all the time. So when she caught chicken pox, it was a terrible time for them. It did not help that the weeks she was missing were just an extended term for the candidates, while the rest of us were on holiday. For days all she did was walk around the house smeared in that white medicine that made her look like a ghost, eat, and watch tv. Even sleep was limited. This really frustrated my parents. They cared about her health, but evidently not as much as her education.
She had been home for almost two weeks, and there was not much progress. The chicken pox were still swollen, and as much as the doctor had given her medicine so they could dry up, this wasnt happening as fast as they had expected. My mother, being the one whol believes in impossibilities, decided to take matters into her own hands and heal my sister.
She got a basin, half-filled it with warm water, and a well folded face towel, and headed to the room where the sick one lay.
‘How are you feeling love?’ she asked!
‘Worse mummy. I dont know. These things are really itchy and painful.’
‘Dont worry. Let me just use this face towel to clean your sores.’
At this point, i decided to leave the room, not wanting to watch the fluid filled swellings being cleaned.
No sooner had i left the room than i heard a piercing scream. No doubt it was coming from my sister. I rushed back to the room only to find my mother bursting the swellings with a pin she had carefully hidden in the facetowel.
‘You shall get better and go to school.’ She kept shouting, hoping my sister would hear her above the screams. This was too too funny. My mother had honestly run mad; but atleast her tactics worked faster than any medication the sick one had been taking. To this day, i still laugh myself to tears everytime i see a chickenpox victim.