S…L…E…E…K .n. W…I…L…D

So its like this. Im sitted at this desk minding my own business, when this irritating beep goes off. Yahoo messenger. Message alert. I wonder, who is it now. Who is disturbing my peace? Who is declaring war on my silence?
Well what do you know, its the one and only, the self proclaimed rapper, mad skilled giggafied dancer, with a kadodi-like swagger, puffed up chest, buttoned down shirt which leaves alot to be desired, and looks like, smells like, feels like… hot stuff (drum roll…lingala beat-boxing…spotlight hitting a shadowy figure in a hood, walking with a limp, and everything else he needs to make a grand entrance that i could not copy off his page)…S…L…E…E…K…!!!
Now many of you probably dont know this dude, and a considerable number of you actually do. But im guessing if you’re reading this, your probably him.
Back to the point. So i hear the beep and feast my attention on the monitor/screen. What has he got to tell me that he hasn’t yet tried to say? Will it really be something new?I mean its not like he runs out of things to say when he reports the mid- morrning news on his escapades in a taxi as he goes for a ride with the HE1s, HE2s and SHE3s of this world, or when he announces his return from the land that has math teachers who speak chemistry, or when he declares that God should take his life like a young man and then displays the law and disorder he abides by?
What? What has he not said? What has he not talked about?
The people he criticises yet secretly worships with lack of roadside etiquette, the way he lets it all hang out as he visualises the crowd cheering him on, then the trips to the future where facebook is a thing of the past, and just as we try to get used to the new stuff, a thrust down memory lane, to a time many of us will never know, a time somewhere in 1978??
Well what?
Maybe he will tell me about his one armed trip to her apartment, or about the ghosts that haunt his shadow, or was that just rihanna’s song? One thing’s for sure. I will never know.
Perhaps he wants to announce his practise of knuckle games, so that i can bless him with my presence with no fear of being gropped, or he wants to ride in a car as the boy he never was, on his way to lose that long distance virginity!
What could it be? Now im really getting curios. I surely hope he is not going to play hardball with my face, coz thats my greatest asset right after my feet.
Maybe i should just check it out. He probably has something new up his sleeve. But i doubt that. I mean he almost did me, but i must admit it has really been a while.
When you come to such a conclusion, there is only one thing left to do.
Read the damn message.
And i did.
And it wasnt new, but it was sweet.
T’was sleek just saying hello.

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IF I WERE A BOY!

Of late, everyone around wants to announce to everyone else how they would act or react or create a reaction (ok i just got carried away, but you get the drift) if they were boys. Take an example of Beyonce, who would turn off her phone so people think she is sleeping, or Ciara who would (please hold on while i google the lyrics and see which line to use…ok got it) play you like a toy! This got me thinking, if i were a boy! I mean why not. Why dont i also announce to everyone who is anyone how i would act, then react to cause a reaction in under a fraction of … ok im off again. So i’ll just go ahead and tell you what i would do if i were a boy.
(drumroll)……….(thunder)……..(lightning)…..(rain)….(rain)..(more rain).(a flood)

IF I WERE A BOY!
1. I would never shave that chest hair. I always watch ladies who braid hair, and i have this desire to do it myself. Considering the fact that no one will actually let me get close to their heads, i figured i’d just grow my chest hair, go to the beach, lay out those lovely pink towels, relax, and braid that hair. i will actually get to watch how great i am!

2. I would buy one suit, and lots and lots of labels. Like Giorgio armani, Luigi Loro Piana, Max Mara, Gucci, Calvin Klein, and the list goes on for those who are classy enough to know the list. The thing is, a guy is ever smart in a nice suit! Preferably black! And since the things that differ one from another are not known to us the females, we look out (or atleast i do) for the labels so we can know its an expensive one. So if i were a guy, i would hire a house help with good sewing skills, and have her sew different labels on the sleeves of the coat everyday, then i would brace myself for the stares at the workplace and the whispers and cat calls as i walk by! Lovely!

3. I would play professional football so i end up on the Manchester United team. This is so self explanatory; who wouldnt want to celebrate with Ronaldo after that penalty when he takes off his shirt? And those legs, oooooh those legs of Giggs, Carrick, Scholes, little Anderson, Rooney,Nani! And that hair that matches his name….Brown, and that man with a four worded yet short name… Edwin Van Der Sir……………………………………………………………………………………………… (ok truthfully, after Ronaldo, i was just showing off that i am a true fan, i actually watch the games, and i do love the team!)
So yes. If i were a boy, i would do that!

4. I would never take silly girls for a buffet because it is just a waste of money. They expect you to be so impressed with them eating just one plate, and it shouldnt be piled or else they will look unlady like, and did i forget, it has to be the salad! It is so depressing (especially when you’re the other girl who knows the value of a good meal!). For crying out loud, it is a freakin’ all you can eat buffet!
It really makes no sense to carry a girl whose physique shows a lifetime of starvation to a buffet, only for her to have the salad, and expect you to pay more than 50,000/= for that meal. Just take her to nakawa market and buy her a cabbage for 500/=!

5. I would read the silly love notes that i wrote to myself when i was a girl, and if it feels great, change back to being a girl and write silly love notes to him.

6. I would be funny! Girls love funny, and i assume that is what i would be thinking about 99% of the time. (Ok, now that won’t be fun!)

7. I would try to think of some thing other than girls, like how HOT that conductor looks as he calls people to the taxi…..bweyogererekirekabandabwe……

8. I’d realise being a guy is not so fun, and actually respect beyonce and ciara and the rest for having planned so much if they were ever to change!
Guess that means definately no sex change for me!