They come stylish, good-looking, and seemingly irresistible. They usually have a track record of being wanted by the opposite sex of all shapes and sizes, and are supposedly the experts when it comes to dating. For some reason, they are many times approached, despite the fact that their reputation precedes them, and they rarely turn down a proposal. They are relationship addicts and cannot survive without partners. They do long terms relationships, of up to seven years (and that’s forever for a 16 year old like me), but close friends can tell that the relationship has been on the rocks since year one. They are good at fooling their partners into believing that it is the real definition of love. These individuals know what they want, and they go for it.
When you dig deeper, you will realize that they are from lower- middle class families (very poor by my standards), and do not have easy access to the simple pleasures of life people their age enjoy, like pocket money every month. They love to hang-out and pretend to associate themselves with the ‘cool’ people in their age bracket. They insist on joining conversations about these ‘cool’ people, simply repeating what they have heard from the idle gossips of the lower class. When you meet these ‘cool’ people who happen to be your friends, the gold diggers shy away knowing their names are not even known, let alone their faces recognizable. (Wow! It’s even a big deal to them!)
Did I mention that these gold diggers are usually from those sub- standard secondary schools (I would have mentioned a few, but I fear for my life. However, people from the good government secondary schools know the ones I’m talking about. You know those schools. You used to avoid them whenever they happened to attend functions at your schools). Their excuse is always, ‘I was supposed to go to Kings College Budo. In fact they called me in second term s.1, but I had already settled in N……’
God knows we have heard it all. Anyway that is how they lay their foundation. When you meet them at a party, or anywhere for the first time, they are the ones pulling off that arrogant swag that is so devastatingly sexy. The ones who people love to openly hate and secretly adore. But after the first meeting, you realize they are too clingy. Their friendship patterns do not go through phases, especially if you appear to be from the class they desire to have been born into. If there is one thing they are not embarrassed to use, it’s those love songs and love scenes in movies. Anything to get you to say yes. You want to play hard to get? They will show you that they never give up.
When you begin dating, they will be quick to announce to everyone you meet, that you are officially an item. They know there is nothing more girls love, like labels. My girlfriend. My boyfriend. My man. My woman. Bla bla bla. The first days may be wonderful. But trust me, this lasts only days. If you’re lucky, a week. The next week, he will have an urgent money problem, and his ATM card will be swallowed by Centenary Rural Development bank, the most crowded bank in the city. He will ask to borrow just a bit. He will first give you the speech about how he is so embarrassed to ask you, but he will surely pay you with interest as soon as possible. The following week, another problem would have come up. Being a girl, you would have expected to see the signs, seeing as this is what you have been doing to all those lousy benchers since you could officially wear heels. But munange, EKIGAMBO KYA LAAVU!
Before long, he will be finding excuses not to take you out on dates. Movies will be borrowed and watched in your room (his is probably empty), meals will always be a bargain, with his excuse of lovely places being far. Your birthday?????? When??? Two days away??? He will pick a fight over the fact that your heels are too intimidating, or that your eyes seem to have dilated too quickly. Valentines day????? Oh! He will make sure you are not on talking terms, and he will make you believe that it is your fault. Try and lose something with any kind of monetary value. TRY!! BANAGE JUST DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will see. I put my hand to be cut off if he contributes even a cent. Ntekawo omumwa gwamge bagu silise! Banage just dare. Mbu nga you’re thinking he will be like any other man and try to bail you out. Just try. Try if you’re bold enough. If you’re fees has been stolen, he will pick a fight over the fact that the bag you were putting it in looks like it was bought by a man. Walai! After you have cleared your bills, you can pick up where you left off. You might want to start with an apology for making him angry.
Months later, you will be tired of not going out to fun places with your HOT man, and you will decide to start paying the bills. Ice cream, movies, dinners, beach outings, shows, you name it. If you can afford it, he will be there to make you look good. The fact that he is extremely handsome will keep you locked. You will look at him and your money will seem so petty.
He will then slip into the comfort zone. He will know you are finally in the cutex bottle. Everytime you call him to come see you, he will demand payment, and will not even try to make it sound sweet. ‘Baby, I’m only coming over if you’re giving me fifty thousand.’ Be sure to have it in hand when he arrives, or else he will turn around and leave.
At this point, your friends have warned you, but you defend your man. Ladies, this is a deadly stage. You are stuck. He will demand for credit every day, and you will send it to him. He will ask for ridiculous sums of money, and you will comply. When this begins to happen, be sure he is using that money on the next girl who is going to replace you. This new type of gold digger never pays for anything. Oh, if you have been a good girl, he will get his relative to take you all out. Either way, he is not picking up the bill, come hell or high waters. I could go on forever, but I have limited space. All I can say is girls, PLEASE!!! WATCH OUT!!!!!!! If that is love, I beg to remain single. As my friend says, ‘EYO LOVE BANNONGOSE!!!!!’
NB: After all this, as much as everyone wants to claim that money should not fit into the equation when it comes to relationships, we all know that you put your money where your mouth is. Besides, we all know a man in love will give a girl even those huge ass teddy bears we pretend to love. Anything. If he cannot afford what she wants, he will find a way to make her happy.

(BTW im still looking for a ‘MULAANGIRA’ to marry so I can reconcile UPC and Buganda before 2011. Balaangira, please do not fit the above description!)