This is a day that is way up there in a girl’s calendar, with days like her first birthday, campus birthday and real birthday. With days like her first everything with each and everyone of ‘them’ still hanging around. It is way up there with the irrelevant days that allow her a chance to maximzie her feminity.

Valentines day. February the 14th!

This, im afraid, is one of those things I am not proud to say is a true story. It started two weeks before the due date. Yes. Believe it or not, we do plan ahead when it comes to relevant things like valentines day. It would have been a month before, but it is not easy to create an illusional relationship for that long. Two weeks. Just perfect. Not too long for me to get bored with the illusion of being in a relationship, and not too short for the guy to keep me in the friend zone. There was no way I was going to be among those girls who proclaim the joys of single hood just because they have no flowers and fattening chocolates. If I was to declare single hood, it was going to be after receiving gifts, and by choice. All I had to do was pull out my biggest bag of tricks. The ones that never fail. Tried and tested on both humans and animals. Guaranteed to produce results. Holy ghost filled, water baptised, honestly sanctified, and everything else that falls along those lines. It was time for me to get myself a three legged human being. Time really was of the essence.

First, I had to identify my target. Now I didn’t really want someone serious who would waste the better part of my youth tying me down, or someone very unserious who dealt in minutes. I needed a two week man. A two week man with the ability to buy a large bouquet of flowers, a few boxes of chocolate (not many, just 7. 5 for me and 2 for the single beggars), and a bottle of wine. If he did dinner, that was an extra bonus that would be welcomed.

From day one, business was slow. I must say I was truly disappointed by the lack of potential and ability harboured by the guys I run into! I decided to pull out the big guns. My girls were going to be my back up. There is something about many girls in a group that just makes them look irresistibly appealing to my targeted kind of guys.

It was at Boda boda that I met him.

He walked in and immediately I had taken my pick. I thanked God for that new hairstyle Toepi in wandegeya had styled for me! It really helped get me past the bouncers. After modeling past him for five minutes, spilling my drink at his feet, and finally pretending to collapse on his lap, he talked to me. Although, as you may imagine, the conversation seemed strained at first, Bosco, or ‘The Boss’ as I later named him finally opened up. (In the bag of tricks, a nickname that commands respect can work wonders!) We had a few laughs, realized we knew the same people (bobi wine…… my ghetto-mate, his idol), drunk the same drinks (tap water… in his defence, boda boda is weirdly expensive), and had an insane love for long hair (I only found out on day ten that he meant his chest hair!). I was infatuated. I was estatic! I was telemundod!!! Ok now im just saying words, but you know what im talking about! I was in business.
by day 10, i was already used to sending morning, mid morning, afternoon, after lunch, tea break and goodnight messages! (Long live WARID!) there was no way i was going to be forgotten. we did coffee, commedy nights, and night outs. i introduced him to my friends as my man, and watched as his chest swelled, confirming beyond a reasonable doubt nti i was in kiintu. This was heaven. I could smell the white lillies. ( i had even decided i wouldnt ask for common roses!) february 14th was drawing closer, and i had to seal the deal. i hinted hinted, hinted hinted, then hinted hinted some more. i had no backup plan because for once, i believed i was calling the shots.
Day thirteen however brought me back to reality. we go for that saturday night out, and as always, to avoid getting uncomfortably cosy, i invited my friends. as always, he seemed dissappointed, only this time, he also brought his friends along. we headed for that cool place, and the night started off well, as usual. But i soon started to notice that all my friends were paired up, and each guy had his own ride. to get to the next venue, we all left with our prospectives. I knew this was trouble. Much as The Boss was a nice guy, he wasnt good enough for anything else, and i hadnt even prepared myself psychologically for body contact! As you can imagine, i failed to deliver.
I had planned to tell you all the gory details, but my heart is weak. All i can say is that on day fourteen, i had a candle-lit dinner of rolex (it did not feel right for me to parade my single self at a proper eating joint, seeing as i wasnt in the mood to force excitement and lie about the white lillies and chocolates i threw back at that unworthy Bosco! That would be a story for the next day!) with my self proclaimed single friend in her room, and to date, im still waiting for someone to fill the empty vase taking up space on my dressing table.

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