Everyone knows those things, and everyone has those days. You were the ka cute hot chick in secondary, the one who was so picky, or you were the hot rich boy who was such a sweller that all the single girls’ schools named their swells after you; hmm, you annoy me! Ill cain a Micheal on you, you’ll never recover!, and then ple get scared! Dont swell on me please!!!
Anyway, that is how it was for this friend of mine. Im hot, many people say it, but for some reason we were just good friends. Really good friends. Not that it bothered me, i just thought id put that out there. So we finished sec school, and vac was fun. He never really got a girlfriend, opting to stick with his swell, and that was fine by everyone. What was not was the fact that he took it upon himself to criticise every other friend of his’ chik.
‘Hmmm, sincerely, is that the best you can do?’ or
“Man my boy, that chik is weeeaaaakkkk!, God should have mercy’ or when you go out, he looks for the wierdest girl around, looks her up and down, insults her to the core, then finishes by sayin, ‘she may not be my 1000th choice, but she is better than your 1st!’
These insults many took to heart. They broke up with their chicks without valid reasons, and used exscuses like… ‘when i come to your home, your dog barks. It doesnt like me. I wouldnt want to be the reason it doesnt jump for you anymore’.
The few who swallowed that nonsense like men and stuck to their chiks pumped cash into them so they could have makeovers till Micheal passed a compliment. At the end of it all, we were all convinced that Micheal would import Angelina Jolie from those ends, because she is the only one who could match his taste.
Vac came and went.
Campus started.
We all decided halls were a better option. My reason was because they are cheaper, but i preferred to lie to the world like the rest of my friends that that is were the fun happened! First sem came and went with Micheal still single. His other friends however needed those better halves so they braved his insults and did what they had to do. They trekked to hostels to deliver a meal worth a week’s expenditure, as long as at the end they got something out of it. Micheal relaxed. Kept announcing how the chik he would finally date would be so hot, we would need a global fan to cool the earth. We accepted. Took him at his word, and decided to wait.
A few weeks to the end of the second semester, Ivan noticed his friend (and roomate) was always caught up in discussions somewhere in the land of dust (read kikoni). He had never taken books this seriously. He wanted to be proud of him, but knew there was something behind all this.
One day, he decides to go to that dusty place to visit a friend of his. Micheal was out, and the boredom was killing him (his words). He calls her up and she tells him she is in a friend’s room; he should pass by and pick her up.
Loaded with those sausages that are roasted on sticks in wandegeya and the foil he always carries to wrap them in so they look expensive, he heads to her place. He bumps into her at the gate leaving, and she says…
‘uh, was just about to call you. Anyway my friend is there with her man! The things they were almost doing infront of me!! Hmmmmm. Anyway now that you’re here, lemme go back and pick my bag so we can go.’
He escorts her back. She knocks on the door. Some huge chik with crooked teeth and a wierd accent opens. She smiles. He smiles. He looks past her. He sees micheal. micheal practically collapses. Ivan dies with laughter. He calls me. He narrates the story. I call Dennis, i tell him. he offers to take us for pork. We go and laugh about it.
TWo weeks have passed, and Micheal is still trying to get everyone to believe that the chik forced him if she was to help him pass.
HMMMM!!! MEN!

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