At the beginning of this year, i had reached a point where i believed i was the richest kid in my age bracket. I felt i could go to a bar, call all my friends, feed them till they couldn’t move, then call special hires to get them to their rooms. Yup! I was that rich. I had just landed a job with a not so sounding oil company, and the pay (though not as good as it should be i later figured out), was always on time. Well i believe it is not good to keep such things to yourself, because how then will people know you’re out of their pocket change league?
I paraded my shillings, announced how i was going to buy shares in stanbic(which i never did), assured everyone how my salary is too good it needs to be kept in dollars, and the funny thing, people actually listened.
They listened and they took note. Now that is when the problems started. They begun to beg.
First it was those simple things, i have no transport to town, there is no water and a jerrycan is 200/=, do you have?, i owe that boda man 500/= and he is going to beat me, as i was walking a nail held my dress and tore the knicker i had stolen from my roomate, its 3000/=, bla bla bla!
Considering the fact that i was the one who had declared my wealth without even being forced by the IGG as they do for MPs, i knew i was to blame. So i gave. The more i gave, the more they came up with new stories. Very soon it was,
‘You see this Tv in my room, it really needs speakers. I found someone to get me nice ones at 100,000/=, but they need it asap and i have nothing on me… ill pay you back next week.’ or it was
‘ I have not finished the rent on my three bedroomed house in ntinda. Can you lend me 600,000/=, ill pay you back with interest!’ (did i mention i lived in a small one roomed thing that i shared with another person….). There was also this one,’We are soon doing exams and i have not finished my fees. Please top up for me! Im expecting money at the end of the week!’ (and you wonder why she could not wait till the end of the week to clear her fees as the exam was a month away)
Anyway, all that and more was the price i had to pay for being rich. Well, i gave.
Before i knew it, my stanbic account was in negatives(i had never known that was possible), housing finance was crying out for help, UBA didnt seem to recognise my name! Either it was my imagination or whenever i would insert my ATm card in the machine, the screen would go black then after a few minutes show only one option, DEPOSIT!
I was losing it, or i had lost it. That was when i decided, i was going to demand for my money.
I wrote out a list af all the people who owed me and set out to get my money. Altogether it totalled about 1.5million. I didnt think i needed a plan. I mean its not like when they were borrowing they were not begging, so they would understand me needing my money. (or so i thought).
TARGET 1: I decided on this one first because he seemed to actually have alot of money. Whenever we went out, he would sit at the bar and announce, ‘1 round for everyone on me!’ That is 10people or more some times.
So i send him a message. Simple, and straight to the point!
‘hey xavier the second, son of xavier tomas of kyebando, father of cecilia, concubine of Sir Samuel Baker, one of the first white men to grace our land, i realise it has been long. How are you doing? And the rest? I hear the helper you got from the village gave birth to the shamba boy’s son!! How are the cows, and the goats. I hope you are taking good care of them and fattening them for whenever dowry is called for. Otherwise, i was just sending this sms to kindly request that you pay my 600,000/= as i am in dire need of it. Thank you! God Bless you abundantly. yours, stella maris’
I then sat and waited for the reply that would hopefully tell me what time to knock at his door. I didnt need to wait long as it came immediately! It was indeed simple and straight to the point.
‘i dont have money now. sorry’
I couldnt believe this. I decided to take a walk around wandegeya to cool my head, and who do i see sitted with twelve hot chicks buying them pork and booze! XAVIER THE SECOND SON OF XAVIER TOMAS OF KYEBANDO FATHER OF CELIA CONCUBINE OF SIR SAMUEL BAKER ONE OF THE FIRST WHITE MEN TO GRACE OUR LAND!
I was too upset to think. I felt steam coming out of my ears. I was boiling, i swear i would have roasted that pork faster than that jajja namwandu at the stove! I walked up to Xavier and demanded to have a word with him. The conversation went as follows
Me boiling: ‘hi xavier! i thought you said you have no money! Why dont you just pay me instead of wasting my money on these chiks who wont even remember your name after this?’
Xavier looking confused:’exscuse me but do i know you?’
Me getting irritated: ‘so now you want to deny me! when you were on you knees begging for money for your rent, did i ask if i knew you? did i? did i?’
xavier, standing to his feet:’ok, i can see we have a lumpen here!(shouting) WOMAN, can you please get the beep beep beep beep beep out of here before i call my comrades in the Presidential Guard Unit to deal with you then kill themselves!!!!’
Me, embarrassed: ‘dont bother! just make sure you never run out of money!’
And i took the walk of shame.
At around midnight, i got a text from Xavier telling me his cousin who looks like him was really sorry, but that he had no clue who i was. I told him it was ok. All i needed was my money! (to this day, im still waiting for it).
Well i had found out the hard way, how difficult it is to actually claim what is yours. A friend of mine even told me of people who borrow for a living, then when you go to demand for your money, they embarrass you so badly that it looks like you’re a beggar as well. If i never believed her then, now i did. I thus gave up on chasing the rest! I decided to hire some friend of mine who escaped from the LRA camp last year to track down my debtors and collect my pay! I must say he has managed to do a good job, but he is not going near anyone who knows the Presidential Guard Unit people, as he hears they are not afraid to die with you!

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