All of us have met those kinds of people. Yes, you know the ones im talking about. The kinds that just cannot do without attention. They walk into a room and automatically expect all eyes to be on them. If this doesnt happen, they are not worried because they came with ten million other ways in which they will force the attention!
Well on the fateful day of 01/05/09, i happened to come across one of these people. As always, eyes did not fall out of their sockets when she passed, so she resorted to her attention seeking methods. I must admit, many of them did work actually. Being the curious type, i decided to approach her and have her walk me through these things that she so confidently feels will get her attention!
1) THE SHOES!
She greatly emphasized these ones. In her own words, a true attention seeker cannot do without the shoes!!! Aparently, they have to be of the chinese make.
‘If they are not chinese, they will not make that ka sound that calls people. That ka konk konk sound.’
Knowing that these chinese shoes are ‘Gucce’, ‘Louis Vittal’ and the like, who duplicate Gucci and Louis Vitton shoes so the poor can get designer-looking shoes at cheap prices, i let her carry on.
‘Well you see, these shoes, you cant find them just eneweya. You need to go to Lady O, Lady K, Lady N or the YARD!’
At this point i am lost. I pride myself in being a great shopper, and i must say, i have never come across such boutiques. I go ahead and ask her to direct me to these places so i can get myself a pair. Me being the unstylish one in 150,000sh Jimmy Choos. She is not shocked!
‘Ok Lady O is short for Owino, Lady K for Kamwokya, Lady N for Nakawa, and the Yard is that place near the taxi park! But you should go early. That’s when they can reduce for you to 5,000/=’
Now at this point i am really perplexed. I have never imagined shoes could get so cheap. But on looking down, the slanting heel and the tape holding the sole together explain alot.
2) THE HAIR
Now this one was self explanatory, but aparently she felt the need to go into detail! I had to listen.
‘With this hair, you have to make it look different, but still love your country’
(aparently she understood Museveni’s demand for patriotism to be taught in schools as a way to pass, and she is, after all an s.6 who wants to pass her coaching lessons at bat valley, thus do not be alarmed by the black puff, yellow cornrows and red braids.) I just had to tell her how beautiful she looked.
‘You see, you also notice eeehhh! hmm i would have directed you to maama hajati there in kiwajala, but she can be busy.’
I express a limited amount of dissappointment and implore her to proceed.
3) THE PHONES
We basically all know how this one works. You carry around three fones then pay the man at the call box outside the gate 100sh to call all three numbers simultaneously when you beep him, blah blah blah. But she aparently adds a twist to it. She says the power is in the ringtones. You see many people do that, but they will all have the latest hit songs that, although will disrupt the rest, will be loved by many. She however prides herself on owning a small radio tuned to only Radio WA! (For those of you who may not know, this is one of the few stations that broadcats in the North! Only those who can speak Langi, Acholi, or anything close to LRA rebel talk can understand.)
So every morning, she wakes up to record the death announcements, and those will be her ringtones for the day!
So if ever you are in class and you hear, ‘Jaal wuunu, atye kan me miyo wu ngeee, tye atin mo mu utoo ikin waaaa…….’ pliz do not ignore the desire to stare!
4) CRUMPS
As a girl, i consider this a curse because some snake somewhere felt it could not eat its apple alone, so it gave it to eve who felt generous and thus God rained this curse on us, who are even allergic to apples! (And one wonders, what the hell was she doing talking to snakes??)
Anyway, as i was saying, as a girl, crumps are not something i would pride myself on having and thus use them to seek attention. They are just pains that feel like nails are being used to scrape the walls of your uterus, and a sign to moslems, that one is unclean.
Fortunately for her, we do not share the same thought process or watever it is called, so she can go ahead and do as she pleases, which is to scream at the top of her lungs knowing the male at the front will have no clue as to what she is going through!
(Remind me not to complain when my friend says he cannot trust anything that bleeds for more than two days and does not die!)

At this point i am getting tired. Not that she is not interesting, but i am tired of typing these things. So let me just give you the one that crowned my day!

10) THE SMELL
Now when she mentions this, i imagine she is going to pull out a Femme Hugo Boss, or Eternity moment Calvin Klein and spray that revolting ‘kavubuka’ that someone around us has, away, and save our nostrills.
Disappointingly, she does nothin of the sort! She however goes on to say that if she reaches number 10 and no one has paid her any attention, she just……………………….and with that she lifted her arms…………………………and with that , i collapsed!

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