It wasnt love at first sight. T’was indeed far from that. sweating and panting was not exactly how i liked guys to appear when i opened my door. But there you were. If i had known what the future held, i wouldn’t have let you in. But who was i but a mere fresher, excited about the ways of campus! You must have sensed. That is why i thought you took your time to indulge me in your useless talk. But then again, it could have been the fact that you always wanted what you could not have, and at that moment, that was me!
For weeks, you begged to visit. You kept my phone busy, and my room occupied. You wanted me, i knew it, but you held back. Play the gentleman, you told yourself. Who is she but a girl, to claim she cannot be swayed by words.
And you were right.
You spoke and i listened.
You listened and i marvelled.
You marvelled and i knew, that what i held back had broken free.
Morning melted into night, and all the while you stayed on my mind. You had me where you wanted, and you knew it.
A friend of mine always said, never show someone you love them too much, till you feel they feel the same about you.
A deaf ear i must have had when she spoke.
Perfection could not begin to describe what i felt we shared.
And then you started.
My phone went silent.
The emails ceased.
My messages were never replied.
I was thrown out and it hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt like a knife was passed through my backside, and turned so it could penetrate my heart and reach my soul.
I burned with the love i gave, bt was unreturned.
But you came around again.
And like a fool i fell right back into your trap.
You had me at hello, and never left me, even at goodnight.
Its like you were two different people.
I knew for sure, this time, it was for real.
But you did it again.
This time my pride let me suffer in silence, and suffer indeed i did.
Eternity may seem long, but it did not even come close to the two months, one week and four days you broke me.
The church was my refuge.
My tears rolled as the choir sang, and many who looked felt a pang of joy at what the Lord had done, but only i knew what demons haunted me.
Maybe it was an answered prayer, or maybe it was God’s way of telling me i can have what i want because i beg too much, whatever it was, you came back.
Not once, but twice. i fell again. This time deeper than the first time. you were my prince. But was i your princess? That i was soon to find out. We talked, we laughed, we took great advantage of the promotions telecom companies issued, and despite the distance, it was like you were right beside me at all times.
I sent you pictures, but you always found an exscuse not to send me yours.
I was your slave, and i was loving every minute of it. I dreamed of the day you would hold me. The day you would take me in your arms and love me. I dreamed of a world with us two, and no one else to bask in our glorious love.
And then the day came.
I was in the library reading for an exam that i knew would be so hard.
The message came.
‘r u in ur room?’
I double checked the number. I had no clue you were back in town.
Being officially disorganised, i grabbed my bag and headed for the nearest ‘boda’. To tis day i believe i would have outrun that ‘boda’ just to get to you.
You came in and that was it. The joy i felt was reflected in my face. What could i hide? How could i hide what i could hide if even i could? To you i was an open drawer with no lock! One at your disposal whenever you needed it to be.
We talked and talked, then talked and talked some more.
And then you had to leave.
You stayed to say goodbye.
Words can’t describe, because emotions know no speech.
But as i close my eyes now, i can almost taste you again.
Your breath on my face, your hand on my cheek. If it was a lie, it was one i never want to forget. I felt it. I felt your love flow from you to me, and i loved you even more.
I needed you to stay.
I needed you to stay with me.
But you had other errands. Somehow they were always more important than me, but i never seemed to notice. Any time you created for me was more of a blessing than the mana to the jews in the desert.
But you came back the next day, and the next.
Then tradgedy struck.
You told everyone but me.
I heard it from my girl who heard it from another girl who heard it from her mother.
I called you.
You sounded unpleased to hear my voice.
I exscused it as a man going through a difficult time.
You will come around, i convinced myself.
I went to see you. I wanted to show you that i can be there for you more than you can ever imagine.
I would go to the ends of the earth and back, just to bear that pain with you.
But then i met her.
Sitted on a chair with her long ebony black hair, long legs, and perfect cheek bones.
There was your princess.
There was the reason i could never be yours.
If i had been hurt before, this time i hit rock bottom. I hit the rock, beyond which is the water many hear exists below the earth, but never get to see it.
If i had cried before, i sobbed.
If i had sobbed, i wept.
I had never known a pain so sharp, it sent me to my knees.
For days i was tortured. tortured by the thought of you being with some one that was not me.
But then i gave myself to you again.
Mybe i thot if i could do this one thing so well, maybe you would come to me.
But again, i lied to myself. I watched you please me like you had done before, like i was the only one, and right there, in your mother’s car, i knew you would never be mine.
You had got what you wanted. Proven your point that i could break!
But you did not break me. You shattered me into tiny pieces and scattered me all over the place, so i could never find myself.
Many times i thot, maybe i should just settle for second best. Deep down i thought i would never find someone who could stir my feelings like you did.
But the thought of taking someones’ man held me back. Especially someone as beautiful as her.
You two really did belong together. I, on the other hand, was exactly that. on the other hand.
November went and december came. January, February, March and then May brought on the healing. Now its just a bruise.
I look back and think, why should i blame you? I am the one who led myself on for two years. You were just playing your game like every other guy.
But i do thank you. There are certain lessons that are better learnt at a young age. I am glad i met you before i finished campus. And although my first and second year revolved around thoughts of you, i do no consider them a waste. I promised myself to trade cautiously the next time i fall in love, and by God, i will never be hurt again by the likes of you.