I HATE YOU you stupid aborted faggot, pregnant cabbage without a spouse, constipated nose with a diarrhoeated scent, fish stinking cunt, poverty striken nut, jigger infested nipple sucking demon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you really are an arsehole.
#thatisallihavetosay.
Thank you.
Oh, in other news, chek out the blogs on
http://www.club.co.ug
talent at its best! even funnier than bazz!
So today is monday.
Like most companies, we have those monday morning meetings that everyone dreads! In these, we are expected to give an overview of what we have achieved in the previous week, and what we hope to achieve the coming week.
Now i hate these moeetings. No, scratch that, i LOATH these meetings. And i know it is pretty obvious why. Unlike my workmates who feel the need to actually earn their salary, i prefer to just chill and let the petty cash im paid come in as pocket money. You know, money you are entitled to. So every monday, before the meeting, i rush to my workmates desk and ask him to share afew of his achievements with me so i can pretend to be hardworking. Now this worked for the first five months on the job. However, six months down the road, it is obvious the one thing i didnt count on was actual delievery.
You see, i am the Business Development Officer, and with that, i am basically expected to bring business into the company. As you can see, such results are easy to see, and when you do not deliver, you cannot lie your way out…. ofcoz unless you are me.
Now the thing is, i know i am the worst employee there is, but for God’s sake, i do not need you pointing that out infront of all my co-workers. And you sure as hell do not expect me to sit there and take in that shit. Huge Problem!!!!!!!!.
So we go in for the meeting, and when my turn to present my stuff reaches, i confidently lie about what i had done and what i hope to do.
The Boss, feeling he is tired of my lack of results, decides to open his mouth to the maximum and hurl what felt like insults to me. Sadly, it was the truth. Tears welled up in my eyes. HE was literally laying out my dirty laundry and he expected me to sit there and claim it as mine. NO WAY!!!!
i decided to shout back. Yes! Not calmly defend myself because that would mean the rest of the people would weigh out the argument and see that i was in the wrong. So i had to shout with a shaky voice, so the rest could notice the tears threatening to pour, and believe that i was surely being accused falsely.
Im sure the boss didnt see this coming. HE looked at me speechless, and asked that i leave if i didnt want to work. At this point, the arrogance in me threatened to walk out, then i remebered the ka girl who owed me money down at the NOC, and thought twice. Id quit after she pays.
After the meeting, i needed to get everyone else on my side. Who cares if the boss knows the truth…. These workmates of mine gotta respect me!
LOL, so i paraded them their and told them how my work was totally being hindered by my boss, and bla blabla! Listening to myself, i was totally convinced.
Now, with all my workmates telling me not to worry, and to just relaz because it is obvious the boss had a bad day, i must say i am calm.
HOWEVER… i know one day i will be found out bulungi and ill have nothing to backup my lies. So im job hunting!
ANYONE HAVE A JOB FOR ME?????????
HHEEELLLPPP!!!!
in other news…….. u guys shud to chek out the blogs on
www.club.co.ug
http://www.club.co.ug/index.php?option=com_myblog&Itemid=10
Ugandans have never been so talented!
So somehow, something strange is happeneing inour country. A few years ago, the only readers and writers we knew in Uganda were those that wrote articles for newspapers, and those that read the stuff that was written. PERIOD. But now things have changed. People everywhere are learning to put their thoughts to paper, and others are learning that there is another way to pas time, and it is called reading.
This brings me to the point im getting at.
I am one of those people that always look out for any articles so i can pass time. But readind has become more of just a pass time activity. I now have it scheduled in my timetable right next to faking work at work.
It is therefore on one of these days that i discovered a great page that has amazing blogs. It is just a starter, but im sure with the great talent it has, it is going to be a big one soon.
http://www.club.co.ug
In particular. you might want to check out
http://www.club.co.ug/index.php?option=com_myblog&Itemid=10
ENJOY!
They come stylish, good-looking, and seemingly irresistible. They usually have a track record of being wanted by the opposite sex of all shapes and sizes, and are supposedly the experts when it comes to dating. For some reason, they are many times approached, despite the fact that their reputation precedes them, and they rarely turn down a proposal. They are relationship addicts and cannot survive without partners. They do long terms relationships, of up to seven years (and that’s forever for a 16 year old like me), but close friends can tell that the relationship has been on the rocks since year one. They are good at fooling their partners into believing that it is the real definition of love. These individuals know what they want, and they go for it.
When you dig deeper, you will realize that they are from lower- middle class families (very poor by my standards), and do not have easy access to the simple pleasures of life people their age enjoy, like pocket money every month. They love to hang-out and pretend to associate themselves with the ‘cool’ people in their age bracket. They insist on joining conversations about these ‘cool’ people, simply repeating what they have heard from the idle gossips of the lower class. When you meet these ‘cool’ people who happen to be your friends, the gold diggers shy away knowing their names are not even known, let alone their faces recognizable. (Wow! It’s even a big deal to them!)
Did I mention that these gold diggers are usually from those sub- standard secondary schools (I would have mentioned a few, but I fear for my life. However, people from the good government secondary schools know the ones I’m talking about. You know those schools. You used to avoid them whenever they happened to attend functions at your schools). Their excuse is always, ‘I was supposed to go to Kings College Budo. In fact they called me in second term s.1, but I had already settled in N……’
God knows we have heard it all. Anyway that is how they lay their foundation. When you meet them at a party, or anywhere for the first time, they are the ones pulling off that arrogant swag that is so devastatingly sexy. The ones who people love to openly hate and secretly adore. But after the first meeting, you realize they are too clingy. Their friendship patterns do not go through phases, especially if you appear to be from the class they desire to have been born into. If there is one thing they are not embarrassed to use, it’s those love songs and love scenes in movies. Anything to get you to say yes. You want to play hard to get? They will show you that they never give up.
When you begin dating, they will be quick to announce to everyone you meet, that you are officially an item. They know there is nothing more girls love, like labels. My girlfriend. My boyfriend. My man. My woman. Bla bla bla. The first days may be wonderful. But trust me, this lasts only days. If you’re lucky, a week. The next week, he will have an urgent money problem, and his ATM card will be swallowed by Centenary Rural Development bank, the most crowded bank in the city. He will ask to borrow just a bit. He will first give you the speech about how he is so embarrassed to ask you, but he will surely pay you with interest as soon as possible. The following week, another problem would have come up. Being a girl, you would have expected to see the signs, seeing as this is what you have been doing to all those lousy benchers since you could officially wear heels. But munange, EKIGAMBO KYA LAAVU!
Before long, he will be finding excuses not to take you out on dates. Movies will be borrowed and watched in your room (his is probably empty), meals will always be a bargain, with his excuse of lovely places being far. Your birthday?????? When??? Two days away??? He will pick a fight over the fact that your heels are too intimidating, or that your eyes seem to have dilated too quickly. Valentines day????? Oh! He will make sure you are not on talking terms, and he will make you believe that it is your fault. Try and lose something with any kind of monetary value. TRY!! BANAGE JUST DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will see. I put my hand to be cut off if he contributes even a cent. Ntekawo omumwa gwamge bagu silise! Banage just dare. Mbu nga you’re thinking he will be like any other man and try to bail you out. Just try. Try if you’re bold enough. If you’re fees has been stolen, he will pick a fight over the fact that the bag you were putting it in looks like it was bought by a man. Walai! After you have cleared your bills, you can pick up where you left off. You might want to start with an apology for making him angry.
Months later, you will be tired of not going out to fun places with your HOT man, and you will decide to start paying the bills. Ice cream, movies, dinners, beach outings, shows, you name it. If you can afford it, he will be there to make you look good. The fact that he is extremely handsome will keep you locked. You will look at him and your money will seem so petty.
He will then slip into the comfort zone. He will know you are finally in the cutex bottle. Everytime you call him to come see you, he will demand payment, and will not even try to make it sound sweet. ‘Baby, I’m only coming over if you’re giving me fifty thousand.’ Be sure to have it in hand when he arrives, or else he will turn around and leave.
At this point, your friends have warned you, but you defend your man. Ladies, this is a deadly stage. You are stuck. He will demand for credit every day, and you will send it to him. He will ask for ridiculous sums of money, and you will comply. When this begins to happen, be sure he is using that money on the next girl who is going to replace you. This new type of gold digger never pays for anything. Oh, if you have been a good girl, he will get his relative to take you all out. Either way, he is not picking up the bill, come hell or high waters. I could go on forever, but I have limited space. All I can say is girls, PLEASE!!! WATCH OUT!!!!!!! If that is love, I beg to remain single. As my friend says, ‘EYO LOVE BANNONGOSE!!!!!’
NB: After all this, as much as everyone wants to claim that money should not fit into the equation when it comes to relationships, we all know that you put your money where your mouth is. Besides, we all know a man in love will give a girl even those huge ass teddy bears we pretend to love. Anything. If he cannot afford what she wants, he will find a way to make her happy.
GIRLS, LADIES, IF A MAN CANNOT SPEND ON YOU, BE SURE HE IS SPENDING ON ANOTHER ‘SHE’ HE FEELS IS WORTH IT. DON’T WASTE TIME. GET UP AND LEAVE!
(BTW im still looking for a ‘MULAANGIRA’ to marry so I can reconcile UPC and Buganda before 2011. Balaangira, please do not fit the above description!)
This is a day that is way up there in a girl’s calendar, with days like her first birthday, campus birthday and real birthday. With days like her first everything with each and everyone of ‘them’ still hanging around. It is way up there with the irrelevant days that allow her a chance to maximzie her feminity.
Valentines day. February the 14th!
This, im afraid, is one of those things I am not proud to say is a true story. It started two weeks before the due date. Yes. Believe it or not, we do plan ahead when it comes to relevant things like valentines day. It would have been a month before, but it is not easy to create an illusional relationship for that long. Two weeks. Just perfect. Not too long for me to get bored with the illusion of being in a relationship, and not too short for the guy to keep me in the friend zone. There was no way I was going to be among those girls who proclaim the joys of single hood just because they have no flowers and fattening chocolates. If I was to declare single hood, it was going to be after receiving gifts, and by choice. All I had to do was pull out my biggest bag of tricks. The ones that never fail. Tried and tested on both humans and animals. Guaranteed to produce results. Holy ghost filled, water baptised, honestly sanctified, and everything else that falls along those lines. It was time for me to get myself a three legged human being. Time really was of the essence.
First, I had to identify my target. Now I didn’t really want someone serious who would waste the better part of my youth tying me down, or someone very unserious who dealt in minutes. I needed a two week man. A two week man with the ability to buy a large bouquet of flowers, a few boxes of chocolate (not many, just 7. 5 for me and 2 for the single beggars), and a bottle of wine. If he did dinner, that was an extra bonus that would be welcomed.
From day one, business was slow. I must say I was truly disappointed by the lack of potential and ability harboured by the guys I run into! I decided to pull out the big guns. My girls were going to be my back up. There is something about many girls in a group that just makes them look irresistibly appealing to my targeted kind of guys.
It was at Boda boda that I met him.
He walked in and immediately I had taken my pick. I thanked God for that new hairstyle Toepi in wandegeya had styled for me! It really helped get me past the bouncers. After modeling past him for five minutes, spilling my drink at his feet, and finally pretending to collapse on his lap, he talked to me. Although, as you may imagine, the conversation seemed strained at first, Bosco, or ‘The Boss’ as I later named him finally opened up. (In the bag of tricks, a nickname that commands respect can work wonders!) We had a few laughs, realized we knew the same people (bobi wine…… my ghetto-mate, his idol), drunk the same drinks (tap water… in his defence, boda boda is weirdly expensive), and had an insane love for long hair (I only found out on day ten that he meant his chest hair!). I was infatuated. I was estatic! I was telemundod!!! Ok now im just saying words, but you know what im talking about! I was in business.
by day 10, i was already used to sending morning, mid morning, afternoon, after lunch, tea break and goodnight messages! (Long live WARID!) there was no way i was going to be forgotten. we did coffee, commedy nights, and night outs. i introduced him to my friends as my man, and watched as his chest swelled, confirming beyond a reasonable doubt nti i was in kiintu. This was heaven. I could smell the white lillies. ( i had even decided i wouldnt ask for common roses!) february 14th was drawing closer, and i had to seal the deal. i hinted hinted, hinted hinted, then hinted hinted some more. i had no backup plan because for once, i believed i was calling the shots.
Day thirteen however brought me back to reality. we go for that saturday night out, and as always, to avoid getting uncomfortably cosy, i invited my friends. as always, he seemed dissappointed, only this time, he also brought his friends along. we headed for that cool place, and the night started off well, as usual. But i soon started to notice that all my friends were paired up, and each guy had his own ride. to get to the next venue, we all left with our prospectives. I knew this was trouble. Much as The Boss was a nice guy, he wasnt good enough for anything else, and i hadnt even prepared myself psychologically for body contact! As you can imagine, i failed to deliver.
I had planned to tell you all the gory details, but my heart is weak. All i can say is that on day fourteen, i had a candle-lit dinner of rolex (it did not feel right for me to parade my single self at a proper eating joint, seeing as i wasnt in the mood to force excitement and lie about the white lillies and chocolates i threw back at that unworthy Bosco! That would be a story for the next day!) with my self proclaimed single friend in her room, and to date, im still waiting for someone to fill the empty vase taking up space on my dressing table.
There is something about women that many people pretend not to understand, and yet it is quite clear. I really dont know why people say they are difficult. One just has to understand the universal concepts that link all women. Dont say women put a price tag on love or relationships. or any other nonsense that insinuates greed. Its just how God created them. Besides, it is common knowledge that there is something about a woman pulling money out of her wallet that dries up her love! Anyway now the moral of the story, or the point, or the continuation!
I was bored oneday, watching some irrelevant stuff on an irrelevant piece of equipment, when the irrelevant person said something that seemed irrelevant, but was very true. Dont worry, i will share.
This irrelevant person said that women are a specie that can compromise on alot of things, like how a man looks, education, sex, etc, but there is one thing they will never compromise, and that is lifestyle. A woman, according to this irrelevant creature, could never go backwards when it came to lifestyle. Evidence commences as follows:
The very first guy shantiliquisha ever dated, was a lousy shmuk with braces, plump and skinny depending on the weather, and was almost expelled for body odour. But the one thing he never failed to do, was buy her lunch. She was never without a great meal whenever classes ended, be it break, lunch, after lunch, tea break, you name it, and she didnt even have to carry her mother’s sweetpotatoes to school. From that day forth, the standard was set. There was no dating a guy who could not buy her meals.
Later, when technology caught up with her. the man she had at that time always woke her up with credit for her phone. On a good day, it was up to 10,000, and on a bad day it was 500. This was good. After he left, the next guy had to be able to buy credit and keep her phone alive.
It may not be written in stone because the floods may come and the stone will sink to the bottom, but it is real.
Ladies, remember the first time you dated a guy with his own car; friday nights were nolonger about hanging out with alot of girlfriends so that you can each foot the bill for the taxi cab, regardless of how boring the company actually was. They were nolonger about packing flat shoes in your bag for the long walk back from the party! Your man had you covered. You could happily leave the club and wave to your friends as they stood by to flag a cab. From that day forth, the cute, tall glass of wine with no ride just didnt cut it!
What about the first time you dated that guy with his own apartment? You visualized your closet space. No more packing all your clothes when it was time to leave, incase his mama found sexy underwear in her only child’s room. You could scream as loud as you wanted and give orders with no obstacles. After that, there was no way in hell you were dragging yourself back to any mother’s house.
And the first time your man took you on a trip. It was a romantic getaway to Seychelles. You couldnt even pronounce the name of the island, but you loved it! If the next guy couldnt come with a passport ready for use, he was definately of no use.
All in all, when it is time to tie the knot, a real woman should have a man who will buy her meals, send her credit, drive her around, put a roof over her head, take her travelling all over the world, and all the other things that could come after. A woman will not, and should not settle for less.
NB:
i) You are overjoyed when your partner admits to having cheated on you, as this is a clear way out.
ii) You are extremely pissed off when he says it was all a ploy to get you to confess if you have ever cheated on him, and in truth he would never dream of cheating on you.
iii) The only thing keeping you in the relationship is the birthday party he promised to throw you when the time comes. Only problem it is at the end of the year.
iv) You always make sure his sleepovers coincide with funerals and other ceremonies that keep you away for days.
v) You keep beeping his ex on his phone so she can call back and hopefully re-kindle that flame.\
vi) You steal people’s phones to send yourself flirty texts, then you act all guilty like you are the victim of invasion of privacy. I mean, why did he look through your phone yet you had just left it on his bed and gone out for an hour?
vii) You keep calling after every five minutes to complain how your boss is demanding you put in extra time as a front desk manager, yet you are on a booda home.
vii) You call at 10pm to announce how you you are just leaving work. Sitting at the front desk receiving after hour guests was indeed so hard and you really wish you could see him, but shit happens.
viii) You throw a suprise birthday party for him, and keep it a such suprise that even he doesnt get to know about it.
ix) You keep a record of all the things you have given him, in the hope that before you call it quits, he has paid up. That ka 200 i used to buy him gum when he said he had no change, the 300 i topped up for his rolex the other day, the 1000 i used on the booda to go see him…………
x) You actually manage to write out this list in less than thirty seconds and only stop beacuse Abid wont give you three full pages but limits you to like half.
NOW, THAT IS SOME REAL DEEP SHIT!!!!!!!
He was a good man.
A God fearing man.
He was a saved man, ready to do what the Holy book said.
Compromise was out of the question, and that definately meant no breaking the law. So you can imagine the torture and pain he must have gone through when he was stopped by a policeman in Mukono for over speeding. He was trying to hurry back to Kampala so he could be in time for his five year old’s birthday party. But he knew that was no exscuse for breaking the law. He thus resigned himself to his fate as the Police Officer walked up to his car.
‘Goo afternoon sir, i believe you realise you ave been goin in too too fast for our Ugandan roads here. You almoss causin assiden’!’
‘Im sorry sir! I was in a hurry to get somewhere, but i know that is no escuse. I will not do it again!’
‘Ofcos you wil nont do it agin. It is zis pipol like you hu are jus causin assidens assidens everytime. It is zis pipol like you who olmos kill Ogenga Latigo on de roads.’
‘Im sorry sir.’
‘Ok now you are sorre. Now me if i let you go, aww wil i kno zat you are sorre? Ok Mupa miimi!’
At this point, the man couldn’t understand kiswahili, but he knew it sounded like the Police officer was asking for a bribe. he decided to ignore the last sentence and instead he apologised again.
‘Miimi nataka kitu kidogo!!!!’ the officer repeated!
The man decided that he was not going to go against the Lord’s commands and give a bribe. That was corruption! That was theft! That was sinful! He could go to hell! He could burn for eternity! He thus refused!
the angered Police Officer decided this was not going to be the end of him, so he entered the man’s car and ordered him to drive to the police station.
On reaching the police station, the man was locked uo in a cell. All the other Police Officers around advised him to just give the other officer something small, and he would be set free. The saved man looked at his wrist, read the letters WWJD engraved on his wrist band, and thought, What would Jesus Do! he decided to make himself comfortable. Ofcos, for simple overspeeding, he would be out of there in no time.
Minutes turned to hours.
Afternoon turned to evening.
The man refused to succumb to temptation! This is a test from God!
When it clocked 19.00, the Officer who had arrested him ordered for blankets to be brought.
‘This man will sleep here and tomorrow morning we will transfer him to the main prison!’
He looked up to the ceiling and begun reciting his prayers. Just then another Officer came and asked why he had refused to pay and be set free. The man explained that it is not good for a man of God to do things of the world. The officer then decided to quote a scripture for the man:
Mathew 5:25
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison”
With that, the man paid his way out of jail!
The company is screaming MAYDAY MAYDAY!
How do i know?? Budget cuts. That’s what they call it. Credit crunch. That’s what they blame it on. I thought this only affected AIG, and even those employees are still enjoying full benefits.
It all begun when they fired the cleaner, and made the gateman take up his duties with absolutely no salary increase. (Ok he was fired for other things as i may have told you before, but i think it had been coming anyway!)
We carried on like there was no problem. Smiling in corridors, sharing jokes, begging the bosses for lifts down the hill; generally life was still good.
Next came the absence of small things. No samosas for breakfast, just chapatis, eggs, chicken pies and white coffee. Then no chapatis for breakfast, just eggs, chicken pies and white coffee. Then no eggs for breakfast, just chicken pies and white coffee. Then no chicken pies for breakfast, just white coffee. Then it was black coffee. Then it was black tea. Now we are advised to have breakfast before we come in as there is alot of work and no breakfast time to waste. This time, although we felt the pinch, we acted like all was good. We still gave the occassional smiles in the corridors, but the jokes ceased! Must have been because they were usually told over breakfast. The lifts, those could not be avoided because everyone who has been up here knows the place is far.
After that came the water saga. Yes! We are one of those offices that have water dispensers at all corners. Water for the front desk, water for the interns, water for the guests, water for each boss in his capacity, and so on. Right now, there is just water for the kitchen staff, which we now all use. The exscuse they gave is no one really has time to go down to the supermarket to buy re-fills.
We got used to these things, and work went on, but the tension was eminent.
Then, vendors started harrasing me for their pay. Some had not been paid in like eight months. This was crazy, but this did not perturb me at all. It would not affect my salary, so what the heck! No stress. I did what i do best, lied to them, and they believed.
Many more vendors came and went with no option but to be patient.
What happened next was kind of anticipated. Meals were stopped. Considering we had been eating on credit for four months, one would have been a fool to be suprised. What suprised us instead was the fact that we were not given lunch allowance after that. We were encouraged never to miss lunch, and keep our receipts. Had to buy a new handbag. These things accumulate so freakin fast.
All the while, salaries had always been paid on time. By the 28th of every month, our accounts were credited. So when we were told that salaries would be paid on the 5th of every month, a bulb was lit in my head. But not bright enough to worry me.
Today as i write this, i must say the bulb has burst because it is the 20th and i am still waiting on that 5th salary. Honestly, i never knew budget cuts could impinge on the salaries.
Well, thats me. I’v been told i have delayed understanding (DU), and i think now i agree. My boyfriend said he noticed our SOS cry when they stopped the meals, and i was stupid not to notice as that was the time his lunch visits also ended.
To sum it all up, when there’s something strange, in the com-pa-ny, who you gonna call…………??? Are there Company busters???? Somebody?? Anybody??
Today, i think it is wise that i educate the working class on how to have a vacation. You know after a fort-night of work; Monday to Friday, Monday to Friday, through Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday twice, any normal properly functioning human being needs a break.
Some people go to Javas, sit in the booths and keep inviting friends till they have to bounce the couple in the next booth just incase one of their brothers decides to surprise them and pass by. (And one wonders where the surprise element fits in if he called jut before the announcement).
Others throw parties at garden city, invite only their friends and leave others out, and they too think that is a break from routine. Well, am sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that’s so wrong. That doesn’t relieve stress! It instead just locks it away for a few seconds, and when it returns, it is worse than before. On that note, i think you should come see me about some Forever Living Products that are good for your health and will help ward off the stress. (Don’t think am advertising! Just looking out for friends!)
Anyway, i think ill share some great tips on how to have a real vacation. It however must be noted that these only apply to people whose parents still believe in pocket money to supplement their salaries, those with no responsibilities, poor saving and investment habits, those with sugar daddies, and i guess the few that actually earn a lot from what they do. (I hope not selling drugs in the stomachs of the girls they are trafficking. I hear it’s very profitable.) Anyway below are the tips:
1. Have cool friends who lie in any of the above categories. If your friends fall short, have a cool sibling with such friends.
2. Encourage the above people to believe that life is short and there are certain things they just cannot die without doing.
3. Forge stories about someone you know who has done it before and emphasize how they really were in the mix. If the worst gets to the worst and some of the friends are the nosey kind who demand evidence, have some forged pictures lying around.
4. Tell everyone you know about it! Write about it so the deaf can also know. For the deaf and blind….. Am still looking for a solution.
SO i guess by now you have noticed what i was building up to.
It started as a joke. Someone watched certain awards on TV and decided it would really be cool to be part of the audience. Months later, it was confirmed. Despite the fact that the night before, the bus broke down at a spot someone claimed was well known for highjackers and we had to wait five hours (7 to midnight) to be rescued, 10th October was still the best day ever. Gates were to be opened at 5pm. That’s what the tickets said. We were there by 3pm. Why give them reason to lock us out? Our excellently outstanding performance of standing near the entrance of the huge indoor stadium earned us interviews from some whites (so am guessing MTV for real, not just some random Kenyan journalists!), and our greetings were sent, especially to the many that could not afford. At exactly 5pm, gates were opened. By 5.30pm, we had claimed our spots right next to the rails that were a short distance from the stage. I must say that what we were experiencing cannot be described in words. All i can say is it was really not for the faint hearted. At this point, one of us was reduced to cries of, and i quote:
‘Banange who am i?? Nze ani?? What did i do to deserve this banange!!! GOD!!!’, and it was just the beginning.
Despite the fact that there were no celebrities in sight, the music played by Dj Benny D was enough to drive us crazy! (And people think just anyone can play music!) The man in a skirt surely has a post diploma degree PhD in being a Dj!
At 7pm, everything we looked at was driving us crazy. Just before the show officially begun, one of the organizers realized that it would be safer to put us at the stage itself, just incase we lost our lives trying to get over the rails and touch the worthy ones. We were in things! In the mix! As people in Uganda say, Twabadde mu kiintu! Infact we were really in the kiintu, we became the kiintu itself! But this was not enough for one of us, who decided the opposite side had a better back view. She crept under the stage amidst protests from armed guards! That’s how great it was. We were invincible. Unstoppable by Ak47 holders.
He was the first act. 8 o’clock on the dot. Immediately he stepped on stage, we agreed that our money was done. When Akon joined him, it was official. We owed them money! Baali batu baanja for real. And that was just the beginning. Song after song was performed, and although i can’t remember which ones they were, i must say i can stand here and testify that Akon’s Calvin Klein boxers were really clean, and the grey briefs Wyclef wore just looked too amazing on him. I must add that since then, I am now a great admirer of pac-less abs! Those guys look perfect without six bones sticking out!
The African artists were amazing. Blu3, Amani, Waa Whoooo, Lira, STL, HHP, 2Face, Nameless, Red San, the guy of Kiini Big Deal, and many others seriously blew me away! Its amazing the energy they have. Samini was just the winner, when he performed the tribute to Lucky Dube with |Wyclef and Nameless. Zebra and Giraffe, the rock group from South Africa complete with skinny jeans and spiky hair, were the best performers. Ok every performer was amazing. I seriously cannot decide. D’ Banj really is a super star!
But i must say that despite their great performances, our eyes were still on the prize! A hug from wylef and akon, or atleast some form of body contact. God was surely looking out for us, because at some point, Wyclef passed by. Our screams and ululations brought him to a standstill. After blowing-blowing kisses, two of us run for him. Being the lady that i am, i decided i was not going to run. I passed behind, got my hug, but my plans to push the other girl away so that I appeared the most wanted in the photo were really demolished, and this can be evidenced in the snap. Anyway atleast i got a two handed hug! Akon was next. For some reason he was no longer jumping on people. One of us claims he hit his head on the metal the last time he jumped. How were we going to atleast get a handshake. After all our attempts, we were reduced to begging.
‘Just touch this hand akon, PLEASE!!!! Nkwaata ko bambi!!!’ we tried to attempt Senegalese but to no avail, so we continued our pleas with the facial expressions. Whoever said those were old lied, coz our looks brought him to us!!! We got our handshakes… not once, but twice. If that was not heaven, i dont know if my heart can take the real thing. All in all, it was a night to remember! Having to summarize it has been the hardest thing ever. Now that is how you have a day off work. That is how you relieve your stress! That is how you party! That is how you let everyone know about it, and THAT IS HOW YOU BEGIN THE PLANS TO DO IT AGAIN!
For those who are to know, those are a few of the details I recall!
Best Male: Nameless (Kenya)
Best New Act: M.I. (Nigeria)
Best Hip Hop: M.I. (Nigeria)
Best Female: Amani (Kenya)
Best Performer: Samini (Ghana)
Best R&B: 2Face (Nigeria)
Best Group: P-Square (Nigeria)
Artist of The Year: D’Banj (Nigeria)
Best Alternative: Zebra & Giraffe (South Africa)
Best Video: HHP – Mpitse (South Africa)
Best Listener’s Choice: Nameless – Sunshine (Kenya).
